You won’t heal if you don’t feel safe.

Why?

Why wont you heal if you don’t feel safe?

The same reason you can’t fall asleep if you hear a tiger growling somewhere in the darkness.

It’s like trying to heal from a car accident while you’re waiting for the ambulance.

You can’t heal from trauma while you are experiencing trauma.

Your body needs to be convinced that the tiger is gone, in order to fall asleep.

No matter how many breathing excersises you do, no matter how many mindfulness moments you have, sleep stories you listen to, if your brain hears a growl, it’s not falling asleep.

You need safety to heal from trauma because trauma is often an experience of being “unsafe”.

Betrayal trauma, which is a relational trauma, requires relational safety. If someone you trusted betrays you, your experience of trusting has ended in betrayal. What relational safety does is gives you an experience of safety within relationship. It’s the experience of relational safety that gives your body the sense that the “tiger is gone”.

Maybe this means relational safety with your partner. But if you are no longer in the relationship that you experienced betrayal in, the safety can come from from any predictable, consistent attachment who you know loves you and cares for you, including God.

Relational safety is when you can fall apart, and be confident that you will be loved by them.

When you can say what you are thinking and feeling and be confident that they will try to see you and understand you.

When they do what they say, and say what they mean. When their behaviour is consistent and predictable. When they are the same person to you that they are to others. When they don’t hide or lie or escape consequence.

These are characteristics of a person who you might find relational safety in.

When you are healing from trauma, prioritize relational and personal safety, BEFORE you do “the work” of healing. Create a foundation where you feel you are able to “fall asleep” safety and vulnerably into God’s arms as He heals you.