What is Safety?

If you’ve ever asked me the question “so...what do I do now?” while facing the stormy waters of partner betrayal, you will hear me go off about safety.

This comes from @apsats_organization and their Multidimensional Partner trauma Model. The first phase of partner betrayal recovery is this - SAFETY. (& stabilization) 

Which is why the Arise Program is just that - how do we find safety, but first, what IS safety?

It’s not an easy concept for many of us who have experienced trauma in some way, especially childhood. Because if we have grown up in chaos, how can we recognize it later in life?

If we are IN chaos, how can we try and find it?

The first step in finding safety, is to know what it is, what it feels like, and where to find it.

I use the analogy of ‘sleeping’ in trauma healing a lot, which is why when I saw my cat sleeping, I thought of safety. In order to fall asleep, your body first needs to know there is no danger around.

If I am tucked in for the night, and I hear an unexplained growl somewhere in the darkness, or a strangers voice around me, I’m not just going to assume it’s the wind and roll over.

Even if I TRY and pretend it’s the wind, my brain is NOT going to let me fall asleep. Thats because I can’t convince myself that I am safe, when I’m not.

Because safety is perceived below our level of consciousness, you can’t trick it.

In order to feel safe, you have to believe you ARE safe.

So if I hear that growl, I’m alert. I’m up. I’m awake. And I’m not falling asleep until I know where the growl came from, and that it doesn’t belong to a giant animal who can hurt me.

If we think of sleeping as the actual trauma HEALING, what do we need to get there?

The falling asleep part. The “I am safe” part.

And finding safety looks different for everyone. But no matter what it looks like for you, it’s important to know that safety isn’t just a nice idea for healing.

It’s required for healing.