Staring at Dirt: Finding Faith in the Absence of Proof
I’m not a great gardener.
Like, I want to be. I read books about it, watch videos about it, name my business after it…. I dream of what my amazing garden will look like…. one day.
I even started a worm compost, so I would have amazing soil to feed my garden. (And forgot to feed the worms for a month. ugh.)
One particular day, I decided enough was enough with the seeds I was trying to start. I watered and watered and watered them. I guarded them from my children, which, is no small task. I made sure they were warm, I made sure they had enough sunlight, I did everything to ensure that they would grow. Clearly, my efforts had been futile. Inexperienced and impatient, I did what no gardener would ever do.
I dug it up.
And as I held the dirt in my hands, I realized that my impatience had been the death of this seedling. The roots, wrapped around my fingers were strong, thick, long. This plant was extremely healthy. Until I dug it up.
It made me think about how often I do this with my spiritual life.
How often do I pray, reflect, listen, wait on God to show me the answer, or answer my prayer, only to continue to stare at dirt.
No sign of life anywhere, allowing multiple seeds of doubt to be planted beside this one. These seeds of doubt grow stronger, the more time I put into them. I start to water and care for them more than the original prayer. Eventually I get fed up, the seeds of doubt choking the roots of my prayers, and try and deal with it on my own. And rip through the soil to dig up the answered prayer God was weaving through the roots of my heart.
Why is it so hard to trust that God is faithful, when we can’t see any “proof” of his faithfulness?
Why is it so hard to trust that God hears us, when we can’t hear Him?
Because we are little children. And life’s sufferings are very, very big. No matter how many sufferings I go through, or walk with someone through deep sufferings, it still shocks me. Just how crippling suffering can be.
It makes us question - is He here? does He see me? Why would He leave me here? If He loved me, why?
No matter how many seedlings I’ve seen grow, it’s the ones that mean the most, that I start to worry - will they? Because if they don’t, I’m screwed.
But, many times I’ve stared up at the sky, wondering how I would get through the next moment, and always hearing the whispers of the Holy Spirit about the choice I had going forward. That I was free. I could leave. I could decide that this was enough, and that I don’t trust God anymore. And many, many times I’ve deeply considered it.
But each time, after a lengthly consideration, I decide to stay in the garden, watering that stupid soil. Even if some days I just dumped water from a distance because I didn’t even want to get close to it. And every single time, no matter how hopeless it seemed, there was a day that I went back to the garden, and was met with a little green seedling.
And if you are as awful as a gardener as me, you know how exciting that is.
To be able to see the tiniest bit of proof that He heard me, He sees me, and He really didn’t abandon me. That the situation, maybe isn’t working out how I would have liked or hoped, but that is IS working out.
Every single time I’ve decided to stay, to trust, to water that seed, I’ve seen the seedling. And those are the seedlings that grow into the most incredible trees, that provide the most incredible food, shelter, and joy.
It’s the ones I walk away from that die.
Jesus, may we lean into the uncomfortableness and painful season of waiting for answered prayers.
May we be like wise gardeners, consistent with our prayers, watering with faith, protecting with hope.
That we feel the freedom of our choice, and have the strength to choose to stay.
Please help us to believe, even when we cannot see.
Caslyn
